Why??

I suppose lots of people must post blogs these days. So that means that the chances of anybody else Reading this are slim and getting slimmer all the time.

This is good, because I'm really only posting this blog for my own benefit. I've been told that keeping a diary is good for your mental health and too be honest I've been having some issues maintaining my sanity of late. My plan is to keep a record of how I feel and what I do day to day and week to week, so that over the coming months and years, if I keep it up, I can see what has happened to me and how this has affected me.

But one thing I think I will end up doing is writing this as though I am explaining My life to somebody else. This seems to be the easiest way of doing things.

I think I should start by trying to explain how I've ended up writing this blog, what has led me to this point in my life? I think I will start with a list of bullet points to try and explain what has happened to em over the years to get me to where I am today.

1. I was born. This seems simple enough but obviously this is where it all started. My Mum and Dad met, fell in love and had kids, me being the first.
2. Spin on a few years and I'm starting to grow up. I think its fair to say I've always had a bit of a depression-ist side to my character. But I haven't really ever been seriously depressed, just a bit negative and can have days where I am "down in the dumps". I think people have described these as "black dog days" and i have a few of these, sometimes its because of something logical, sometimes for no reason. Some days I can be up and down like a whores draws changing my mood and outlook on life several times an hour.
3. I did what most people seem to do these days, did A-levels and packed up my stuff and headed to university thinking I was the dogs bollocks and was going to change the world. Reality of these things is very difficult. i sent most of my time at uni depressed, stressed and sexually frustrated. I had a string of ridiculous crushes on girls I had no chance with, don't get me wrong these girls were great, but I wasn't. Each one broke my heart and I just ended up hating the world some days.
4. Things seemed to change (I am melodramatic and obviously I considered my life to be complete crap when it was probably fine and I was just pissed off because no girl would take her clothes off in front of me) when between my third and fourth years at uni. I had a summer job miles away from uni. It was my dream job and I moved in with some really cool guys, they are still good friends. But the main thing was I finally found a girl who would take her clothes off in front of me. I lost my virginity hundreds of miles from where I was born and from My university. i was 21 and nothing could stop me now. I had somebody to shag and my dream job. But it wasn't going to last, the girl didn't want to see me after the summer and I didn't get the job full time. i went back to uni confused but with lots more hope of getting laid.
5. My last year at uni was a total nightmare and I couldn't wait to leave. I fancied two girls, one fell in love with my best mate and the other, well I cant really talk about it, because I still carry a massive torch for her. Both girls were the type I like, intelligent, kind, loved kids, dark haired and pretty with big chests(this may make me sound like a typical bloke, but I'm not). I left uni depressed and pissed off with life. I decided it would be a fantastic idea to move to the other end of country and take a job I wasn't sure about.
6. The months after leaving university were the worst of my life. I had no mates, massive depression, the job was pointless and boring. I spent my time working long hours and sat in front of my laptop, either talking to mates from home and uni on msn or looking at tasteless websites with lots of breasts. After a few particularly difficult weeks (even a young man wont be happy with just beer and masturbation in front of a laptop) I decided to do something. I decided I wanted to go back to studying and be closer to my family and friends. ultimately this period made me appreciate my previous life so much and I wanted some of it back.
7. So just as the world cup started in 2006 I moved to my current location (I cant say where, just because of the one In a million chance somebody I know reads this, works it out and discovers I admit to w**king). I found a flat with a cool guy (he liked beer, Alan partridge and pool) and enjoyed my new job/doc.
8. One thing was that the girl I fancied in the last year of uni who had was my best mate from uni's girlfriend was working here over the summer. As we would for two people who knew each other we hung about a lot and I stared fancying her again. But this was a temporary thing, apart from the odd thought about her chest when i was disgracing myself. life was good and I was settled.
9. Then as the summer ended the girl went back to uni and my flatmate moved over seas to be with his girlfriend. I found a new flatmate and tried to grow up a bit by working hard and being sensible.

That near enough brings us up to the present. One thing I haven't mentioned is that i really like a girl at work, she is great (intelligent, funny, kind, pretty, nice body and had glasses (I have a thing for girls with glasses, quite strange I suppose). But I have probably cocked that up by pulling her friend and appearing to be mentalist.

I think here is a good place to write a list of what pisses me off in life and what I would change if I could:

1. My weight. I am a bit fat and always have been. It pisses me off, I don't seem able to get as thin as I want to be. I probably get worked up about this because I think that if I was thin I would be sleeping with girls. also my appearance is something i worry about because of weight and/or clothes.
2. The lack of sex in my life. I haven't really ever manged to get close to having as much sex as I have ever wanted (has any man). But its not just sex, its not even about her taking her clothes off. its kissing, cuddling, sharing a bed (smuggling up to each other), watching TV together, having somebody to talk to, going out to the cinema, going for a date, cooking for somebody, eating with somebody. OK I bet you get the picture, just another young man who is on his own and envious of people in relationships.
3. My job. is it macho enough? Tough enough? Impressive enough?
4. My flatmate been messy.
5. My friends annoying me.
6. My family annoying me.
7. Me being depressed, unfair or soemtimes just a complete tool.

But to summarise: I am a lonely and sexually frustrated mid-twenties man who doesn't know if he is where he wants to be or if he'll ever get there. Some days I love life and the world, I cant get enough and then other days I just want to sit in my room with depressing music on crying.

The aim of this blog is to write it all down, everything I do, everything I think, Everything I feel and how it affects me. I'm hoping this will give me a chance to see.