Up and Down

I don't understand why it is that I can go from on top of the world to life is shit what is the point and back again several times a day. At least three times a day i want to quit and do something else and maybe for a few hours day all is well in the world.

When I'm down my life is shite and there is no point, I'll never finish my doc or meet Mrs Right or make the kind of friends I want to in Newcastle. Everybody else is a winner and I'm a loser when I feel like this, I get stressed upset and worried. It happened today when I got a bit of a set back at work.

But when I'm on top of the world I'm going to succeed and everything I want is just a matter of time. I feel in love with life and energised by where I am and what I'm doing.

I don't know why I feel like this and why my mood swings so badly. i think i just need to learn to deal with it. I need to stop my mood being affected by small things and problems in my life.

Currently I'm trying to do some work, its getting on in the evening and I should probably just hit the sack, but I'll try and keep going a little longer.

Will probably end up thinking about F when I close me eyes tonight to go to sleep. She looked fantastic (her eyes where so sexy through her glasses) and was great when chatting online today. Just cant give the ghost up can i??

Last Night

I've just been reading what I wrote last night when I was drunk and stressed because of what my parents had said. Most of what I wrote last is quite true and how I feel.

I have spent 2 hours of my Sunday night doing some work for tomorrow (getting to do some trials tomorrow). This has really got me down, made me think of what else I could be doing with my Sunday evening.

The main thing is that I need to always be positive. I am a nice guy and at some point in the future I will be spending my Sunday nights in front of the box with my girlfriend/wife etc. Just need to be positive and keep going. Getting some of the stuff I bought this weekend is a step forward. But real progress would be in losing weight and feeling good about my appearance.

Right off to bed. Head spinning after spending entire day thinking about F and sometimes C. I'm not going there though, unless she wants to. Is C better than being on my own??

Parents

I've got my parents up this weekend. They seem very happy with me living in Newcastle, but obviously that isn't enough for parents. They need to have the last say on my entire life. Apparently I should have:

• A wife
• A mortgage
• Children
• A career
• Financial problems
• a people carrier
• life long obsession with getting drunk
• a big wedding
• more fun
• less stress

But too be honest, I'd kill for a nice pretty girl to cuddle when I go to bed and snuggle up to when I go to sleep (the height of my ambition is she has nice (large) breasts and a brilliant personality) plus amazing eyes. When do my parents think I should be settled down?? Hoping I meet Mrs Right ASAP so I get out of all of this.

S or F or even A would have been fantastic for this role, but I haven't managed so much as a kiss with any of them. If there are nice girls who like cuddling and kissing please let me know!

Still think F is amazing. she cant do anything other than look very hot! I'd easily pay a million pounds to kiss her and 10 million to hold her whilst she slept!

Fed Up

I know its probably still because of F, but I've felt really down the last few days. Every little bit of a set-back or stress at work has really got to me. She looked fantastic again today and I'm still gutted.

But another thing has worried, its not just F. Its where I am heading with my life, where will I be in 3, 5 or even 10 years time. There are plenty of men who are into their late 20s and 30s who have no girlfriend, wife or even decent friends. I'm starting to worry that I'm heading towards membership of the male spinster club alongside all the 1000s of sad old men who are obsessed with work because it is the only thing in their life. As I sat in my meeting today and watched all the other "normal" people leave the office I just couldn't help thinking that I might never have the girlfriend, mates or family to rush out of work for. Maybe I'm just being a depressive gimp, but I am really worried about this. I suppose I do have mates, but its not like at uni. I dont do many social things at all.

Sick of people telling me I am a nice guy, and Mrs Right will so up soon. In the last 2 months at least 5 people have said that or something similar. I wouldn't mind, but there is no evidence of this been true, apart from S's comments. Still not sure whether to talk to S about this.

Decided that I need to keep going and maybe start worrying about this in a couple of years time. Maybe should use this as motivation to get slimmer?

Should I Quit

I'm not sure whether I should turn my back on all of this and go back to where I was.

I had my review meeting today and the uni certainly didn't back me up like I wanted them to but that is what i expected to happen. They didn't confront the company and hold them to account. But the meal we had after was OK and everybody seemed happy, why should i rock the boat if everybody else is well pleased??

But I know the main reason I'm depressed is because of F. She looked beautiful today. She spoke to me on line today and it just wasn't the same, when the box of text from her popped up on the screen I had no rush or faster heart rate than i did last week. Just wish she had give me a chance, Cant decide whether to talk to S about this or not. Is it selfish, did she tell F in confidence about thinking me and F should give it a go??

One plus point was the way B spoke to me last night. She really helped, great to know I have a friend like that here. Just hope we grow closer over the next few months, I really need a friend like that. Its not a sexual thing, just I need some support and somebody to hang out with. I am quite proud of the way I don't fancy her and just want to be friends, especially as she is so attractive.

Right best go to bed as i am tired and need to function tomorrow. Just wish F hadn't blown my chances out as now I have nobody to think about when I fall asleep. Just hope I have somebody to snuggle up to sometime soon. Starting to fell lonely like I did last year.

Heart Broken

I don't feel as bad as I thought I would. But it still hurts. The same old thing.

Last night I actually brought things to a conclusion with F. She is great, but not interested in me. Typical. To be honest I'm not sure it would have worked. Did my head in when she kept telling me wasn't pretty and sexy like I was telling her.

The interesting thing is that S had told her she should give me a chance. So I can conclude that at least one normal girl thinks I'm good enough for F. On the other hand KT had put a bad word in with F, not impressed.

I think this is the time to move on. I always think these disappointments will be the turning point, but I never make them that. Maybe I should this time.

I need to make it work here. To gets things going again and make my life better, I need:

1. Friends here.
2. Progress at work.
3. Work harder, at work, in the gym and with people.
4. To lose weight.
5. Get/buy all the stuff I need to.
6. Determination, energy and commitment to keep going.

The Ideal Wank

The four things needed to have a good tug are:

1. An Erection.
2. Somewhere private where you wont be disturbed.
3. Some motivation, memory, fantasy, the Internet or the classic magazine.
4. Something to clean up with. Be covered in cum and having to sneak to the bathroom isn't great fun, especially during the post organism clarity.

Today is Saturday and I have:

1. A Stonking boner. I woke up with what felt half the blood in my body in my pants. Even at 24 I still get over 20 erections a day. A nice bottom at work, boner, a nice thought about F driving home, boner, some hottie in the gym, boner (this can prove difficult, you try running with a mars bar (kingsize, I wish) lodged in your pants). I've tried all kinds of things to reduce the inconvenience of having a tent set up camp at the front of my trousers several times a day, lots of masturbation, no masturbation, trying to find a balance, before I got to sleep, when I wake-up. On the whole too much and too little can cause erection overload.
2. I'm in my room, haven't even bothered getting dressed yet.
3. I cant stop thinking about F. I also have my laptop for any additional motivation required. I'm guessing there must be close to billions of photos of naked ladies on the Internet, the 21st century is the wankers Paradise.
4. I Have a toilet roll so cleaning up will be easy.

The main reason for me disgracing myself at this point of the day, is that I am off to the gym in a bit and I think I'll need some EP (erection protection).

She is Fantastic

Reasons why F is great:

1. She is pretty. But not in the most obvious way. Apart from her eyes, which are stunning. Her smile is cute. I think cute is the best way to describe her.
2. She is clearly intelligent. Has brains, uses them and isn't stupid
3. She wears glasses. I love girls who wear glasses. That thing she does when she looks over the top of them is amazing.
4. She is funny, sharp and witty.
5. She is sexy.
6. Her bum is round. the jeans she wore to work yesterday made it look so sexy. I just couldn't stop looking. i had to work hard not to get a hard-on in the corridor at work.
7. She has ambition and wants to do stuff with her life.
8. Her boobs are pert and quite big, especially for a girl of her size.
9. She dresses how she wants to. She has a stud because she wants one.
10. She likes basic things like, going for a brew and having a drink.
11. Her accent is sexy. I love Geordie accents.
12. She is kind and caring.
13. She is small and has a womanly figure.
14. Her hair is dark.
15. She smiles loads.

I think that's enough. I know that she'll most likely (95%) break my heart. But I cant help it at the minute she is great and I just hope I get a chance with her. Maybe I need to talk to S about this.

Adult Life Sucks

Today has been boring, frustrating and on the whole pointless.

Work today was a total non-starter. I went in determined to do some productive work and move a step closer to finishing my doc (even if it was the smallest of steps). Within an hour it was obvious I wasn't going to get anywhere, set back after set back. I just couldn't concentrate and do what needed doing, I'm sure if I could have concentrated for 3 hours today I could have done what I wanted, but I just spent my time on BBC sport and checking my emails over and over again. Somebody who wasn't supposed to be a professional would be happy to just spend a day doing nothing, but I'm supposed to be my own boss and make self-determined progress.

But that's not the real reason that I'm feeling down. I think its because work is such a big part of my life, some if not most days I don't talk to anybody outside of work, I spend 10 maybe 12 hours there a day because the ways I could spend my time are depressing. Going to the gym is all well and good, but it should be a chore not the highlight of your day. Watching TV or going to the cinema on my own are just too depressing. I just hope day soon I have either some proper friends here or maybe a girlfriend to spend a few nights a week with, and eventually I just hope I have a wife and a family and settle down to be normal.

At the minute my life consists of a few repetitive activities:

1: Work. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. But on the whole I rarely wake-up and think "oh shit I don't want to go to work"
2: W**king. Just a habit to maintain my sanity and make sure I don't have to sit at work with a erection.
3: Gym. I enjoy this. But my real motivation is the hope that I'll get thin and fit and pull girls and get laid.
4: DVDs. I always seem to end the day watching blackadder or extras on my laptop whilst lying in bed. This is good and helps my sanity as it is perfectly normal.

Is life all bad?? No of course it isn't, but it seems that once a few things go wrong in a day i collapse into "Life is F**king Shite". Its something I need to overcome. Counting down the days and wishing My life away just because I don't have a girlfriend or anybody to socialise with is totally wrong.

I need to sort it out. I should "work hard and play hard" but life seems to be a blur and I'm always knackered. I think I need to move into a place with some sociable people and start doing stuff outside of work.

Chin up solider, it ain't all bad.

Tosser

This is something I did the other day that I am totally ashamed of. I'm going to spit it out, I wanked whilst having a msn conversation with one of my friends. I manipulated the conversation around to sex so I could get horny and talk about a time a girl tried to give me a hand job and the way it caused me me to have erections and wank. I cant deny it got me rock hard and I came everywhere. but immediately after I felt guilty and rightly so. I mean the girl on the other end was probably just typing whilst reading BBC news. Is this just an example of how men are obsessed with sex or is it totally wrong and I have a serious issue??

I am a dirty pervert. Even though I want something good to get me going when on my own I shouldn't do anything like that. The worst bit is I saved the conversation so I can revisit it if required in the future.

Why??

I suppose lots of people must post blogs these days. So that means that the chances of anybody else Reading this are slim and getting slimmer all the time.

This is good, because I'm really only posting this blog for my own benefit. I've been told that keeping a diary is good for your mental health and too be honest I've been having some issues maintaining my sanity of late. My plan is to keep a record of how I feel and what I do day to day and week to week, so that over the coming months and years, if I keep it up, I can see what has happened to me and how this has affected me.

But one thing I think I will end up doing is writing this as though I am explaining My life to somebody else. This seems to be the easiest way of doing things.

I think I should start by trying to explain how I've ended up writing this blog, what has led me to this point in my life? I think I will start with a list of bullet points to try and explain what has happened to em over the years to get me to where I am today.

1. I was born. This seems simple enough but obviously this is where it all started. My Mum and Dad met, fell in love and had kids, me being the first.
2. Spin on a few years and I'm starting to grow up. I think its fair to say I've always had a bit of a depression-ist side to my character. But I haven't really ever been seriously depressed, just a bit negative and can have days where I am "down in the dumps". I think people have described these as "black dog days" and i have a few of these, sometimes its because of something logical, sometimes for no reason. Some days I can be up and down like a whores draws changing my mood and outlook on life several times an hour.
3. I did what most people seem to do these days, did A-levels and packed up my stuff and headed to university thinking I was the dogs bollocks and was going to change the world. Reality of these things is very difficult. i sent most of my time at uni depressed, stressed and sexually frustrated. I had a string of ridiculous crushes on girls I had no chance with, don't get me wrong these girls were great, but I wasn't. Each one broke my heart and I just ended up hating the world some days.
4. Things seemed to change (I am melodramatic and obviously I considered my life to be complete crap when it was probably fine and I was just pissed off because no girl would take her clothes off in front of me) when between my third and fourth years at uni. I had a summer job miles away from uni. It was my dream job and I moved in with some really cool guys, they are still good friends. But the main thing was I finally found a girl who would take her clothes off in front of me. I lost my virginity hundreds of miles from where I was born and from My university. i was 21 and nothing could stop me now. I had somebody to shag and my dream job. But it wasn't going to last, the girl didn't want to see me after the summer and I didn't get the job full time. i went back to uni confused but with lots more hope of getting laid.
5. My last year at uni was a total nightmare and I couldn't wait to leave. I fancied two girls, one fell in love with my best mate and the other, well I cant really talk about it, because I still carry a massive torch for her. Both girls were the type I like, intelligent, kind, loved kids, dark haired and pretty with big chests(this may make me sound like a typical bloke, but I'm not). I left uni depressed and pissed off with life. I decided it would be a fantastic idea to move to the other end of country and take a job I wasn't sure about.
6. The months after leaving university were the worst of my life. I had no mates, massive depression, the job was pointless and boring. I spent my time working long hours and sat in front of my laptop, either talking to mates from home and uni on msn or looking at tasteless websites with lots of breasts. After a few particularly difficult weeks (even a young man wont be happy with just beer and masturbation in front of a laptop) I decided to do something. I decided I wanted to go back to studying and be closer to my family and friends. ultimately this period made me appreciate my previous life so much and I wanted some of it back.
7. So just as the world cup started in 2006 I moved to my current location (I cant say where, just because of the one In a million chance somebody I know reads this, works it out and discovers I admit to w**king). I found a flat with a cool guy (he liked beer, Alan partridge and pool) and enjoyed my new job/doc.
8. One thing was that the girl I fancied in the last year of uni who had was my best mate from uni's girlfriend was working here over the summer. As we would for two people who knew each other we hung about a lot and I stared fancying her again. But this was a temporary thing, apart from the odd thought about her chest when i was disgracing myself. life was good and I was settled.
9. Then as the summer ended the girl went back to uni and my flatmate moved over seas to be with his girlfriend. I found a new flatmate and tried to grow up a bit by working hard and being sensible.

That near enough brings us up to the present. One thing I haven't mentioned is that i really like a girl at work, she is great (intelligent, funny, kind, pretty, nice body and had glasses (I have a thing for girls with glasses, quite strange I suppose). But I have probably cocked that up by pulling her friend and appearing to be mentalist.

I think here is a good place to write a list of what pisses me off in life and what I would change if I could:

1. My weight. I am a bit fat and always have been. It pisses me off, I don't seem able to get as thin as I want to be. I probably get worked up about this because I think that if I was thin I would be sleeping with girls. also my appearance is something i worry about because of weight and/or clothes.
2. The lack of sex in my life. I haven't really ever manged to get close to having as much sex as I have ever wanted (has any man). But its not just sex, its not even about her taking her clothes off. its kissing, cuddling, sharing a bed (smuggling up to each other), watching TV together, having somebody to talk to, going out to the cinema, going for a date, cooking for somebody, eating with somebody. OK I bet you get the picture, just another young man who is on his own and envious of people in relationships.
3. My job. is it macho enough? Tough enough? Impressive enough?
4. My flatmate been messy.
5. My friends annoying me.
6. My family annoying me.
7. Me being depressed, unfair or soemtimes just a complete tool.

But to summarise: I am a lonely and sexually frustrated mid-twenties man who doesn't know if he is where he wants to be or if he'll ever get there. Some days I love life and the world, I cant get enough and then other days I just want to sit in my room with depressing music on crying.

The aim of this blog is to write it all down, everything I do, everything I think, Everything I feel and how it affects me. I'm hoping this will give me a chance to see.